White Noise
by Autobotschic
Summary: With the premature death of her sister Trapjaw, Shadow Stalker must learn to live without her white wolf, sister, and best friend. Spiraling into insanity from loss, Shadow resorts to measures unheard of for the black femme. The other Autobots can't help but wonder if by any chance, Shadow will be resorted back to her normal self before she blows her candle out.
1. Chapter 1

For my little TJ, hope you enjoy sis.

Trapjaw and Marshall (c) Autobot Trapjaw

Transformers (C) Hasbro

Shadow Stalker (C) Me

Rated for mentions of suicide, cutting, and severe depression.

* * *

_It wasn't happening... _

Shadow Stalker stood frozen, numb. Her spark flittered as she saw the metal casket being loaded off the C-17.

_No... Her little TJ wasn't... She couldn't be..._

But she was.

Shadow picked up Wildfire shooting forward at the casket from the edge of her vision, and shot after him. She tackled him down to the ground, pulling him tightly against her, as he had sobbed into the cape of his Aunt's neck, and Shadow hugged him tighter.

Hot Rod had knelt by her side, embracing the two in a hug. Shadow didn't care. She hadn't even noticed until Roddy's heat left her back. She slowly pulled her helm up, watching with a cold spark as her sister's frame was carried inside the base.

Trapjaw was dead. Shadow Stalker had lost her sister, and with that, a quarter of her spark. Wil had locked his steel grip around his Aunt's waist, refusing to let go. He had to know this was reality, and not just a dream.

Shadow gently scooped her nephew up, stumbling slightly under his weight.

"Shadow Stalker..." A gentle hand rested on her shoulder, " Let me take him."

Shadow had numbly handed over the burnt orange mech to his father, who gently guided him away. The black femme had stayed standing, rooted to her spot as the C-17 was maneuvered back into the holding dock.

It was only when the sun had set and her sparkmate had come looking for her that she moved. Optimus wrapped his arms around his mate's waist, and Shadow had turned around and collapsed into his arms, sobbing.

The Autobot Leader had picked her up bridal style and carried her inside to their room where he had comforted her through the entire night. The next morning Trapjaw's ceremony had been held, and Shadow Stalker had shot off her Blaster along with everyone else in remembrance.

But that had been a year ago.

Shadow sulked in the Autobot Base, avoiding every place she and Trapjaw had spent the most time at on a daily basis as she had been doing for a year. The black femme had become nothing but a shell since the fateful day.

No one had gotten use to the usually sarcastic, boisterous, and devious femme being a quiet and reclusive bot. Most bots were on edge, waiting for the day Shadow Stalker would crack and spiral into the pit of insanity.

Much like Red Alert had.

The Lambo Twins had been assigned by Ratchet to make sure she didn't do anything stupid and try to take her life again. Optimus had become increasingly worried about his sparkmate due to the ever present depression coming from her side of the bond. He hardly let Shadow out of his or the Twins' sights, and never sent her on missions anymore.

Prowl had ordered Shadow to stay on moniter duty now a days, as Ratchet had said she may have tried to attempt battlefield suicide had she been sent out, jump in front of a stray bullet to save another bot's life and end her own.

Shadow stayed silent through these conversations, curled up in the chair, in a corner, or under the table. The darkness had been her partner in the past, but it had now become more of a friend, a blanket from the cruel reality of the outside world.

Truthfully, she enjoyed feeling numb. She could claim all the cuts were from being a klutz, and running into the wall was because she hadn't been paying attention. All the truths she should never tell were safe with the tiny voice inside her helm.

Shadow was currently sprawled across the length of her berth, an arm draped over her gut as her helm resting on the other as she stared up blankly at the ceiling. The Twins were outside her door as normal, ready to jump in at the slightest sound that shouldn't be there. It annoyed her she had been banned from the shooting range, the armory, any place with weapons. Her own weapons had even been confiscated from her, which had really irked the femme, but she did not retaliate. Retaliation would get them even more worried and worked up, then they would have a reason to have taken her weapons.

Well, at least they _thought_ they had all her weapons.

Shadow opened her mouth, picking behind her denta for a small blade she had hidden there. It was her only salvation now a days, besides her little Wildfire. Her nephew looked so much like his late mother, it hurt to see him. But in the days of TJ's passing, Shadow had become exceedingly overprotective of Wil, and Wil wouldn't leave Shadow's side.

Ah, good, innocent little Wil. How she missed the days when it was just her, Trapjaw, and TJ's twins. Wildfire had had a twin sister, a light grey femme by the name of Aurora. She had become an interstellar traveler, and perished one day when her ship malfunctioned and crashed in Russia. That had been the day their lives had been flipped upside down.

Shadow looked back to the small blade she was currently holding, before silently unhooking her forearm armor to reveal her protoform. It was scarred horribly from her time in the Gladiator Pits and from her recent way to rid herself of stress. She studied the blade, before making a quick incision in her forearm and snapping her helm towards the door.

Nothing. Alright, that was good.

Shadow quickly made a few more incisions, before placing the blade back between her denta as she watched her forearm drip Energon. The femme smirked slightly, glancing at the door before leaning forward and lapping up the Energon. The unfortunate and rather gruesome habit had formed in the Gladiator Pits, whenever the young Shadow Stalker could not get enough Energon, she'd drink the Energon from her slaughtered victims.

"I thought you had outgrown that habit, Shade."

Slag. She was busted.

Shadow looked up, her antennae flicked back and her optics narrowed as they focused on Sideswipe, the one who had addressed her, who was standing in her room, Sunstreaker behind him leaning against the door frame.

"There's a door to knock on for a reason," Shadow spat, clipping her armor back on as she hugged her knees to her chest, turning her helm away from the two mechs.

"Momma..."

"Sunstreaker, I've told you not to call me that, there are security cameras everywhere around my fragging prison," Shadow growled, her optics narrowing as she unsheathed her claws from her digits and dug them into herself.

"Momma, you shouldn't hurt yourself," Sunstreaker instructed more firmly, prying Shadow's hands away from her armor which now bore scratches. Shadow yanked her hands away, causing Sunstreaker to stumble back, stunned. He was unused to Shadow behaving like this with him around.

The Twins exchanged glances, before slowly moving forward to sit on either side of the unpredictable femme. The two exchanged a quick nod, before wrapping their arms around her. Shadow Stalker tensed under the touch, but soon softened up and snuggled into their frames.

"We know you're hurting, Shade. Why don't you just try and be normal, let time heal you?" Sunstreaker asked quietly.

"I don't want to be healed, I want her," Shadow mumbled, her voice muffled by Sideswipe's chest plates.

"We know, Shade, we know," Sideswipe cooed, hugging her gently.

"You two remember what I told you when you were younger?"

"Never put shiny things in our mouths?" Sunstreaker asked innocently. As a sparkling, he had chewed on anything, especially shiny objects.

"No, not that. The other thing," Shadow replied softly, peeking out from the red one's chest plates.

"We better learn not to get attached to things because we won't be able to deal with losing them?"

"Yeah, that. I couldn't have been more right," Shadow whispered, casting her optics down.

"No... Shadow Stalker... You were wrong. We need attachment, love, in our lives. Some bots deal with it harsher then others, like yourself for example," Sunstreaker whispered.

"I don't know love. I'm a monster created by hate and rage," Shadow mumbled.

"Shadow.." Sideswipe started.

"No, Sideswipe. She needs some time to herself. Let's leave, besides, Bluestreak and Hound are here to take over," Sunstreaker abruptly growled, standing and storming off.

Sideswipe gave Shadow another quick hug, before sprinting after his brother, leaving the moping femme more dumbfounded. Right as Sideswipe's form has disappeared, Shadow could have sworn she saw the familiar white shape of a wolf.

"Trapjaw... You don't know how much I need you right now."


	2. Chapter 2

Shadow continued to mope around base for the next few days, her antennae laid back flat as usual. Everybot skittered nervously away from her when she slinked down the hallways, not daring to even speak for fear of saying something wrong and upsetting the Gladiator further. The results were quite hazardous, as Prowl had unfortunately found out, costing him a doorwing. After the incident, everyone stayed as far away from her as possible.

_It was about one in the morning when the Autobot Second In Command finally left his office and strode off towards his quarters for a good recharge. Prowl looked up from his data pad as he stopped in the hallway, his doorwings flicked up into the normal "relaxed" position for the Praxian. His ocean blue optics focused on Shadow Stalker, who was stumbling down the corridor, clutching her chest plates, the claws on her digit deployed. The black and white mech arched and optic ridge, subspacing the data pad and quickly moving over to the femme._

_Shadow collapsed heavily against the wall, dragging her claws down it as an audio splitting screech echoed throughout the hallways. Her lips were pulled up in a grimace, her optics narrowed in dim as she slide down to the floor._

_"Shadow Stalker?" Prowl asked, kneeling down by her side, only to recoil back to avoid a startlingly swift swing._

_"G-Go away!" she snarled in reply, curling up with a hiss._

_"Shadow Stalker, be reasonable. You are obviously in pain," Prowl tsked, leaning forward to gently grasp her shoulder spike._

_"I said.. g-go away!" Shadow hissed, shooting forward and digging her claws into the Praxian's chasis. Prowl let out an unprepared yowl, slamming back into the floor as Shadow towered over him. She bared her denta, her shoulder spikes flaring out dominantly, with Prowl's doorwings instantly reacting by hitching up into a perfect "V", challenging the irate femme's boast. _

_Not the wisest play._

_Shadow screeched, instantly upon his doorwings. Prowl cried out, rolling away from the femme right as she dug her claws in and yanked._

_A terrifying clash of metal and a wail of agony sounded as the doorwing broke apart from Prowl, Energon splattering everywhere. Prowl writhered on the ground, clutching at the stump and wailing, his optics flickering. _

_Shadow just stared emotionlessly, dropping the doorwing as Hound's green arms locked around her and dragged her away from Prowl. _

_"What the frag..?"_

_"Holy Pit, Shadow Stalker's lost it!"_

_"Prowl! What the slag?"_

_"Someone get Ratchet!"_

_"He's on his way!"_

_**"Shadow... What have you done?"**_

_"I'm sorry, Trapjaw."_

Shadow stopped in her tracks, taking a detour around the site where it had happened. She swore she had heard Trapjaw saying something to her, the pure white wolf drifting in and out of the mechs that had gathered around.

Maybe she had finally lost it. Shadow slipped towards the hallway filled with Bots' personal quarters, scouting out one in particular.

The black femme stopped in front of the door, checking her internal clock for the time. 11:30 pm. Most Bots would be peacefully recharging. She should have been recharging like a sparkling right about now.

Shadow shook her helm with a vent. She hadn't recharged peacefully since Trapjaw's death. Most of the nights Ratchet had to put her into forced stasis, yet luckily, she had escaped him tonight.

Three taps and a scratch. The door creaked open, revealing two sapphire blue optics. _Just like his mother.._

"Aunt Shadow Stalker? Why aren't you recharging?"

"Wildfire. Shouldn't I ask you the same thing? I believe we both know the answer to that question."

"Agreed. Come in, please," Wildfire whispered, opening the door further and stepping to the side. Shadow bobbed her helm, slipping in as the door shut behind her.

Her ice blue optics darted about the unusually clean quarters, optic ridge arching. "I thought Hot Rod taught you to be dirtier then this?"

"I can't stop moving. I have to be doing something or else.."

"The memories haunt you. Trust me, I know," Shadow replied softly, her antennae flicking back as her optics dimmed. Wildfire glanced down at the ground, before moving forward and hugging his aunt.

"You have to be hurting. She was your sister, after all," Wildfire mumbled into her chest plates. Shadow blinked, fully onlining her optics and wrapping her arms around her nephew.

"Trapjaw was your carrier, Wildfire. You must be hurting as well," Shadow murmured, stroking his helm gently.

"Aunt Shadow?"

"Yes, my little Wil?"

"Can.. Can you stay with me tonight?" Wildfire asked, looking up with wide optics. Shadow looked down, her expression soft.

"Of course I can, Wildfire," Shadow replied softly, hugging him again.

"I miss her so much! First Aurora, then Carrier!" the burnt orange mech abruptly sobbed, burying his head into the cape of Shadow's neck.

"Shh shh. I know, Wil. Rory's spaceship crashing was an unfortunate tragedy. But loosing both her and Trapjaw within a three year period is too much death for our already fragile family," Shadow choked, pulling him close protectively.

"I miss her Aunt Shadow, I miss her so much," Wildfire whimpered, wiping his optics.

"I know, Wil," Shadow soothed, stroking his helm again with a shuddered sigh. "You should head off to recharge, now."

"I want you to sleep with me."

"Alright, but come on. It's almost midnight. And I believe you also have monitor duty in six hours, correct?"

"Mmhm."

Shadow gently guided Wildfire to the berth, watching as he hopped out and swung his legs up. He adjusted, snuggling into the thermal blankets, before looking up at the black, gold, and green femme with wide, innocent sapphire blue optics.

Shadow gracefully swung up onto the berth and over him, landing with a soft thud by his side. The young mech instantly snuggled up against her, curling up against her abdomen tightly. Shadow draped her arm over his shoulder, stretching out.

"Good night, Aunt Shadow."

"Good night, Wil."

Shadow felt Wildfire drift into recharge shortly after, while she tended to her own train of thoughts. As her optics offlined, a translucent white femme sat by her side with a soft smile.

_**"Be strong, Yin. Keep him close, and protect my family."**_


	3. Chapter 3

When Shadow awoke, the first thing that hit her was the heat of a frame in front and behind her. Her optics instantly snapped online as she sat up, still keeping her arms around Wildfire. She felt the servos belonging to the frame wrapped tightly around her waist, and craned her helm to look over her shoulder spikes. Red and orange with a yellow flamed chasis.

"Hot Rod?" Shadow whispered, turning to lay on her back so she could see both the mechs.

"Mm.. Yeah.. What is it, hon?" Hot Rod murmured, optics slowly brightening as he left recharge.

Shadow winced, her antennae flicking back sadly as she moved to lay on her back so she could see both mechs. "Hot Rod, it's Shadow Stalker."

"..Oh. I'm sorry Shadow," Hot Rod croaked, removing his servos from her waist.

"It's fine, Roddy. What time did you get in here?" she asked.

"Around.. 3:30ish..." he replied quietly, sitting up to look at Wildfire still tightly pressed into his Aunt's side.

"Warn me next time. I was going to end up elbowing you in the gut," the femme joked lightly.

"It would have been welcome," Hot Rod mumbled, slipping off the berth. "It's nearly 6 am."

"Frag.. Wil's late for his shift on monitors.. Oh, frag the world. Kid deserves a brake," Shadow slowly sat up, keeping close to Wil.

"We all do Shadow, our entire family deserves an entire fragging break!" Hot Rod suddenly snapped, hitting the table within the room.

"Hot Rod!" Shadow snapped, covering Wildfire's audials to make sure he wasn't awake, before slipping off the berth and moving to wrap the distraught mech in a hug. "You know Trapjaw wouldn't want you to act like this."

Ocean blue met ice blue, and the mech collapsed into Shadow's grip, sobbing. The femme frowned, pulling him close as her antennae flicked back. "Shh..Shh.. It's alright.."

"No it isn't. Not anymore," Hot Rod mumbled.

"Stubborn aft," Shadow growled, "Okay, so I lied. But at least you have a son still to remind you of her. I don't."

"He's your nephew though," the mech replied evenly.

"I know, but I'll never have the bond you do with him. Just be happy you have something left of her," she whispered, offlining her optics and biting her lip.

"Dad...? Aunt Shadow...?"

Hot Rod shoved Shadow away, turning to his creation. "Yes Wil?"

Wildfire studied the two, before noticing Shadow Stalker's optics flickering. "Aunt Shadow..?"

Hot Rod turned around, finding Shadow now doubled over and her claws on her digits deployed to dig in the wall. "Shadow Stalker..?"

"I'm fine," Shadow choked out, her optics flashing brightly before the femme typed in the combination to the door and shot out.

"Shadow-!"

The Gladiator took off sprinting towards her room a few halls away, breaking a speed record as she typed in the combination and made it to the trash can right in time. She purged violently, holding her gut and kneeling over the can. The taste of the unprocessed Energon in her mouth made her heave for a few minutes even after she was done. The sound of her door opening caused her helm to snap up, antennae pricked as Energon dribbled from the corner of her mouth.

Optimus stood in the doorway, his optics bright with worry. "Hot Rod comm linked me and said you might be glitching."

"I haven't glitched since my Gladiator Days, Optimus," Shadow coughed, slowly standing up and using the wall heavily for support.

"What's wrong?" Optimus asked, frowning as he moved to his mate's side, wrapping an arm around her waist to support her.

"Nothing.. My tanks were just churning," she replied, moving to lean against his side with a soft vent.

"Shadow, you purged yesterday morning too," the Prime replied with a frown.

"Sideswipe tainted a bunch of cubes on accident, I just had a bad cube," she mumbled.

"If you purge again, you're going straight to Ratchet to make sure you're not sick," he instructed firmly.

"Fine fine," she growled, wrapping an arm around his waist. "Still on monitor duty along with the Femme Commander duties with all those fragging datapads?" she griped.

"Yes. I don't think you're fit for battle yet. I keep you out of it because I love you," Optimus chided.

"It kills me to not be able to rip apart a Con, Optimus," Shadow whined.

"You can rip apart the dummies in the training room."

"It's not the same as being able to look into those blood red optics and feel the fear as you teasingly pry their chestplates open slowly, forcefully, show them who's in control. Then their optics widen and they beg for mercy as you slowly, agonizingly, crush their spark in your bare servos. Energon will splatter your frame as it seeps from their mouth, forever open in their last scream of agony. And you will step back to admire your work, lick the fluid off of your lips, and continue on to your next target."

"Are you still going to Smokescreen for PTSD?"

"Nope."

"I'd recommend going again."

"But I don't wanna," Shadow complained.

"But I want you to," Optimus returned.

"I don't have to do what you say," she scoffed.

"I'm Prime, everyone does what I say," he teased back.

The femme growled, lightly flicking his nose. "Hush you. Are you on duty?"

"I'm always on duty Shadow Stalker, why?"

"Take me to your office, I miss that couch. We will cuddle for five minutes, you will then work on your datapads, and I shall camp out there."

"Whatever you say, sweetspark."


End file.
